Temptations & Ambitions

I know it's rather late, 2 weeks past but here's the updates for my birthday. Special thanks to those who came, Flora, Wai Sun, Wai Yuen, Andrew, Fai, Boon, and my dear. :)

Here's the steamboat event in Kepong:







And the next day, the birthday dinner consisting of authentic Korean BBQ meal, no place other than the one of the many restaurants in the lil' Korean village in Ampang. At least, there's no hassle of flying all the way to Korea when the food(or rather the chefs) can fly to you. It's even better having it here without the need of winter clothing, and tasted just as nice.

The reason I dislike smartphones is merely because I can't single-handedly flick it around with ease. I can't SMS with one hand either, even with tremendous amount of practice put in. To me, smart phones aren't smart if they can't SMS what you are saying while you are driving. Plus with the "-lah's" , "-ma's" or "haiz's" used in our everyday conversation.

My previous phone was a SE W850. Nice phone, one of the best at its production era (which phone ain't? ) all thanks to my friend's recommendations. Since then, I'm always a loyal SE fan of the W-series. What's W to you anyway? It just means it's from the Walkman series, while the current C-series are the camera series with cybershot capabilities. Nevermind why they'd put it under K-series in the past, maybe K was for Kamera.

And here's the birthday present from my parents, along with a new Acer notebook which was half the price and twice the specs of the old one. Introducing W995, codenamed Hikaru.






No, do not associate Hikaru with Maria Ozawa, Sora Aoi, or the sorts from the AV-series.

Hikaru was the pre-release name of this phone.

With a body encased by aluminium, it felt lighter than most of its counterpart of the same size. The cosmic silver is easily mistaken for a compact digital camera. But make no mistake. It may have an 8.1 Megapixels camera, autofocus, bright lights, and most of the SE C-series cybershot functions (but still not a cybershot either), it is still a phone camera. It may be superior than most phone cameras, but definitely not to the specialized cameras.

But due to its rather small size, there's no need to carry a bigger camera on the go, or even the DSLR if you'd just wanted to watch a movie.

At least I don't copy BHT that often now, and 50 pages of information are snapped in no more than 5 minutes rather than the conventional scribbling taking up to 4 hours, broken down into few sessions to relief the boredom.

And below are the snapshots of my W995.





I'm not going to go into details of this model since GSM arena would have done a great job. I'll just highlight the goods and bads of it.

Pros:

• 8.1 megapixel camera
• Improved loud stereo speaker ( 2 speaker output, 1 from top and 1 from below)
• Kickstand for watching movies
• Wi-Fi and GPS capabilities
• 8 GB storage M2 (Anything more than 1 GB is enough for me)
• Slick buttons on the sides for camera and walkman function.
• Sense Me function allowing shaking phone to switch song tracks. (Also used in certain games such as bowling)
  
• An extra 3.5mm jack output in addition to the conventional power/earphones SE jack

Cons:

• Camera could improve more, and flashlight too bright
• Kickstand is just steady enough to stand without any force pushing on it.
• No idea how to get GPS to work with Malsing map (maybe can't do it)
• Sense Me can be a nuisance to get adjusted to, may get tennis elbow, and may imitate the inappropriate act of masturbation when viewed from behind.
• Lack of nice preset themes
  

But well, I like slider phones, and seems rather cool. Got this phone for SGD 268 (Rm600+), after my aunt's line contract and discounts, so there's nothing to complain of. Otherwise, this would cost around Rm 2000 in SE specialty stores. (Rm1400 for AP)

Anyway, seems this is all I could think of for now. Would be updating on other stuff the next time!

Sorry for the relatively long absence here. Life had been busy in Psychiatry, where I had not much motivation to blog about it. There are tonnes of pictures to upload, with tales backdating from my birthday, with my new cameraphone SE W995, but I guess all that will have to wait, at least till I'd settled with the rest for this one week or two. Until then...

XOXO

Of the days in the wards, mingling in the aura of depression and mania, it came and struck me that Psychiatry is not that eerie. As I've been perceiving it, life is full of events, happy or sad, fulfilling or despairing, but most of the time, we are just as normal as we can despite all those elation of victory or the grief of loss. Within ourselves, lie something which regulates our ability to perceive a change in emotion, rectifying to its normal state after the triggering events passed for some time. Maybe that is why we don't stay happy for years for one small matter, or stay sad for a trivial loss.



And perhaps, such "regulation" is what controls us from within. Sometimes, it is just this control which holds back our impulse of aggression. This control may be the one holding back on our obsessions and compulsions. And it is just a thin fine line between to act or not to act on impulse, and a thin veil which determines whether if you stay in the Psychiatry wards.

In other words, the patients may be the ones who are not "crazy" enough to stay sane in the community. One would have realised that the urban jungle offers risks of 40X higher to its dwellers compared to village folks.

Many a times, delusion of religion can be the worst impedance to recovery. Implying spiritual advice in an unstable mind worsens it, partially due to the fact that rationalization would not occur. Sometimes, one should also be reminded that religion is something abstract as well. It can't be seen, it can't be touched. Advocating religion would only be enforcing the patient's delusions, impairing efforts of psychotherapy, particularly cognitive therapy where the patient is advised to come to terms with his/her condition and rationalizes it. If we are to encourage them to believe the forces of nature/God, we might as well believe what they have seen all this while, be it hallucinations or perhaps paranoid delusions! This may not be the fault of the religion, but the patients would tend to mix their delusions with religious elements, making things hard, and possibly the need of psychiatrist with a subspecialty in particular religion to sort the matter. Then maybe next time we'll have Ustaz Psychiatrist, Pastor Psychiatrist and Monk Psychiatrist!

But this does not imply that we should force the patients out of their religion. Leave things as they are, and tackle only the delusions (fixed false beliefs which are not conventional cultural beliefs). You might not want to deal with crucification or some sort of equal terror from their fellow believers. Besides, patients have their rights to their own beliefs and religions. My advise is, don't meddle with people's religions, which can be rather sensitive.

Among the cases I've seen, there are a few of note:

1. A person may seek help for depression, and finds that dwelling in religious matters make them more depressed. These are of course, not the usual sins worth to feel guilty and worthless as such. They may be acts such as flouting the traffic laws, be it driving past the red traffic light, and felt that may be heading to hell, thus depressed for years to come. And this becomes significant when it affects the work, personal life and relationship of the patient.
   
2. A person may also be obsessed with praying. For a small sin, such as saying some words which might hurt others, an apology would not suffice, but praying everyday for forgiveness, such that the repetitious acts focused more on the prayers rather than God. Well, it may be acceptable, but again, it becomes a problem when it impairs the patients daily functions as the 1st case, even causing lack of sleep.
3. The third was an amusing one, involving a bipolar patient, when a fellow student offer to pray for the patient. It may occur after some agreement of religion since they are of the same believers. Or maybe some pep talk. That I had no idea. But, as the patient was soon to be discharged after being apparently well, the patient told the doctor that an angel had promised to pray for him! Well, of course, the doctor did not discharge the patient then. Who knows what hallucination the patient has! The fellow student had to took the effort to explain to the doctor that it was the student who offered to pray. But well, I heard that the patient was not discharged, and it was all a matter of prayers.

Then again, it's not that I'm implying that religion is the culprit. Abnormalities in other abstract thoughts are equally as bad, particularly sexual thoughts. Maybe that's because psychiatrists can help to change what they can see, better than what the patients think of. We can retrict their movements, but not the thoughts. Mind is a powerful tool that once it's broken, it's harder to fix it. So, love your mind, and take good care of it. Exercises would do, and so do chocolates as well. :P

A visit to UKM Kampus KL today had brought memories of few years back. The aged building had some finishing touch since the last time I was there, but the sturdy looking block seems as if it's gonna be torn down anytime soon. UKM KKL campus may be relocated in the near future, but how near, no one knows. It could be 3 years, 10 years, or 20 years before they'd acquired another substiture piece of land in Cheras.



As we walked into DK 1, the interior hadn't changed at all. It was filled with the atmosphere of enthuasism, from the 1st and 2nd years, eager to walk their path of Medicine. How I'd missed the lecture hall, where all of us used to sit together under one large roof, be it hot or cold (mostly cold due to the air-cond). And the spot I used to sit, right in front of the big lecture hall, while dozing off like no one's business.

Today was the Interaction Day, where they'd tried to explain the buddy system concept to the 1st years, in hope that they would be more willing to accept such an idea. It seems that a certain few resisted to the idea, giving rise to a chain reaction of uneasiness among the more senior medical students, namely the 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 5th years. News spread fast, along with the hatred and every single mistake done was magnified down the each line of rumours. Ranks and files of protests came before the "defendants" had even a single chance to voice their views.

Well, I can't say that I'm not guilty of laughing with fellow peers. News spread that the 1st years were a bunch of cocky people who snubbed the buddy system and desired to form a team called "Genius" among themselves to work themselves up. Well, it's a good idea to form a group, just that the choice of name amused me more often than not. As I've always been saying, each batch 1st years brought with them the self-pride and confidence, spilling over the brim, fresh from the victory they had savoured from whether STPM or matriculation. I wouldn't really label it as disgusting, but perhaps this is part and parcel of growing up. Once you've settle down, everything else would fall into place. You thought that you've passed through the peak of your education life when STPM/ matriculation is over. The truth is, it has just begun, and how it goes, depends on the whatever you have in your armada, be it intelligence, luck, social network, and whatever that comes in your way. No one single factor overrule the others, and that's where it gets interesting.

Back to the buddy system which was the controversional issue, sometimes, I may have find that the superiors may have been overdoing it a little. Yes, buddy system is good, but it may not work for everyone. Whether if it is for friendship, for help in studies, or whatsoever reasons, imposing one's strong belief into others maybe somehow be an uphill task. Using force may provoke a rebound effect, causing agitation and irritability to those who were forced to accept it. The same applies for religion, and that is perhaps why religious war are the worst fought for centuries, because they would want to impose their own beliefs to others.

I am no less guilty, for I was once in the same position. A few of us were the "targets" for opposing the buddy system due to some misunderstanding. Having a buddy without consent or knowing each other from both sides is just like a fixed marriage of a man and a woman before they even knew or understand each other. Such practice may be feasible in the past, but nevertheless, it may not go well with the current generation. What disappoints me was the fact that the 2nd years were asked to rag the defiant ones so they would "accept" the idea. Fortunately, no 2nd years in their right mind would do so, since they would not want to jeopardise their future for the sake of mometarily fun, lest they want to repeat the incidence 2 years back where the police was involved for some minor misunderstanding and some pranks by the seniors. No one was arrested, the "defiant" one in the 3rd year was "boycotted" but the one who was reported had more fear than ever to repeat such acts.

But fortunately, in my case, the 3rd years came for reconcillation (despite some initial fear because three of them wanted to meet me in my room personally, which would frighten anyone in their right mind, and mine wasn't). So there I was, mending with the 2nd years (5th year now), all thanks to the friendly 3rd years (now graduated and work as HO), which one of them was my grandbuddy, to my surprise later on.

But still, I would have think that buddy system has its pros and cons, and not 100% perfect. Some may have form very strong bonds along the line of buddy of 5 years, going out on each outing and such, but some may have looser bond. But this is all up to the individuals. We can also befriend other seniors or juniors, so why must it be a rigid one-to-one system? As most of us had realised, it's better if we treat everyone the same as equally nice, be it seniors or juniors in this sense. It's not just the seniors that we should greet, but also fellowmates from different courses, the nurses or even the janitor. We shouldn't be rude to any of them, respecting their decision as it is. The terms seniors and juniors are arbitrarily made up, but the essense it that we are all friends and fellow colleagues. Why not we help each other out?

This week had been on the quiet side due to anhedonia on my part. However, I'll try to make up with some updates now.

Wednesday was Peds Psychi Day. Well, we're supposed to tag Prof Susan, so we were there as early as 9am. Little did we know that she came at 11am. There were 2 new cases, but I'll talk about the 2nd case, because it was the one that drained all our energy away.

A pair of 4-year old twins came in with their parents. Perhaps this was my 1st taste of how Peds might be like. Being young, they were easily distracted and all hyped up with more power than the Duracell Bunny. The 6 of us in a group had to play with them to make sure they do not cause anymore harm to the clinic. Of course, kids should be allowed to run around and explore, but the clinic is just not a safe environment to do so. On the loose, they ran as far as they could, even to the Orthopedic clinic or the entrance of the hospital from inside the clinic. They must have thought that we medical students were having fun chasing after them!






In a way, well, we had helped out to assess the kids' developmental stage. It's true that kids would not be assessed through a rigid routine in the clinic, but sometimes this maybe regarded as too bizarre by going all out just for some simple assessment. *Phew*

But then again, all the running did load us up with endorphins (and sweat too). And yet, going after them makes us feel too old. We've really forgotten how on earth could we be like them when we were young? Looking back, I've passed almost 23 years of my life (26th July is the day, :P), and it could spell out a quarter of my life if destiny allows, or half of my life worse come to worst. It didn't really occur much to me that so long a time has passed in a blink of an eye. It seems like yesterday when I was running around in my diapers, climbing the window bar out of amusement and peer influence, for all my cousins did that.

And all that, flew into the far distance of time. And there's no return of goods.

How I wished I could turn back time.

How I wish I could be the me in kindergarten, young and innocent, with no worries of the future, and chatting merrily with my peer friends, and my 2 best girl(space)friends.

How I wish I was in the primary school, enjoying life as it goes, and scoring in exams without studying.

How I wish I could be in my high school, all I need to worry is just education and nothing else. Or perhaps also the Dragon Ball manga I anxiously wait every month, or the new computer game released every Summer (July-August season).

How I wish I was in my SPM, because that was the period I see many of my friends having puppy love and crumpled along the way to my amusement. And all I did was flirting and peeping, and yet still fell to the same state of sorrow for the last 3 months, fortunately without any permanent damages except for some laughter when I think of how stupid I was.

How I wish I was in college, enjoying the freestyle clothing without the need of collar, and with a rounded neck shirt. Waking up at 7.55am and wet my face before going for 8am lectures with the same clothes I wore to sleep. Rounded neck T-shirt and some khakhi on top of my boxers. Slippers were allowed, and I had all the time in the world to sleep. Sitting in the front row garnered attention, because the lecturer were willing to teach you.

How I missed my pre-clinical years, when everyone gave the confused look when I told them I was from TARC STPM. Fortunately for me, my coursemates were only puzzled, but were not insistent as my F6 friend's coursemates in other Uni who insisted that it was A-level that we took in TARC. Back tracking in time because it felt more like a kampung environment in KKL, especially when Chow Kit is the most underdeveloped area in KL. And how I miss the time when the lecture hall was so big that it can fit 400-500 when there's only 200+ of us. Sitting in front meant that the lecturers won't pay attention to you, because they stare blankly at the last row. Maybe that's why I could doze off in lectures in the first row without anyone noticing. And the time when Chow Kit monorail station was our portal of escape into the heart of the city. for movies, for food, and for any leisure activities.

And perhaps, one day, I'll be missing my clinical years, when I'd no need to worry of job and its politics. At least, now I can afford to sleep adequately, before offering myself as a sacrificial piece to the hospital as a house officer. And how we all miss what we had in the past.

And that, would only be known when we've reach the destination. Live life to the fullest, but not necessarily to the extreme or to throw caution to the wind.