Temptations & Ambitions

It had almost never occur to me to set foot on this blog again, a forsaken place for almost 4 years. A solace of sorts, to scatter a certain amount of pent up emotions here in a rather "literaturistic" manner. And there I was, yesterday, in an eatery which holds back a certain amount of memories of the past. The Pizza Hut restaurant in Wangsa Maju, where I used to had a short 3-month stint. Well, they used to say that the first love used to be the most memorable of all (apart from the current lovely wife, of course), then I'd say the first job would bring back fond memories, regardless if it used to haunt us in the past.

I'd enquired about the Area Manager for the restaurant, Mr Anthony. He used to a workaholic who frequents here and took pride in overseeing this restaurant, touted the 2nd largest Pizza Hut restaurant in Malaysia back then, in 2006. I was taken aback when I was told that he had just passed away last year from an episode of heart attack. At the age of 50 plus.

I remember him for his pride and loyalty to the restaurant. He was a hardworking chap who did not get through the usual means of education. Raised in a poor socioeconomic background, he spent time playing with his Chinese neighbors despite his differing ethnicity (He's an Indian), learning the various dialects as well as Malay and English from the compulsory education. However, he did not advance to higher education, probably from financial constraints and the higher grades required to further his studies. Back then, you need good grades or considerable amount of financial backup to further your studies. In the current modern era, almost everyone can finish with a piece of certificate, even as a medical graduate even if your grades are way beneath the core of the earth.

Anthony used to work as a Rider for Pizza Hut. A Rider would be the delivery guy on a motorcycle sending your pizza come sunshine or rain. He worked for many years before he was gradually promoted to be an assistant manager, subsequently a restaurant manager and area manager. BAck in 2006, he wasslightly more than 40 years old. That would have made him a veteran in the system for more than 20 years, knowing the inside out of the company. He cared for his subordinates and yet at times could be strict in disciplinary matters. Having climbed up the ranks really made him proud of what he had achieved. Given the opportunity, I think he would have served the same company until he retired. Talk about loyalty! I used to respect him as much as I was a meager waiter back then, and he appreciates good service  and work done by others.

I believe working there is an eye opener there, as I was starting conversation and greet customers as they come. Total strangers. Making a fool out of myself, cracking jokes, or being somber, each and every encounter is a fresh start anew. There is no failed conversation or interaction, just a different approach and experimentation in social interaction.

Of course, the subsequent work that I'd done in public health in State Health Dept (JKWPKL) was another level of honing my "survival" and communication skills.

Nevertheless, I am truly thankful for the job offer that was given to me in Pizza Hut. It was my first baby steps. I've always believe that no job experience will go wasted. Yes, I was in public health for 13 months, Klinik Kesihatan for another 13 months before joining the Pediatrics department, but I truly believe that I've gained invaluable perspective and insight, and a non-linear approach to certain matters at hand. What is another year or two? Perhaps, I might not even end up in the current field. Only time shall tell, and it all bows down to temptations, and ambitions.

9 months since my last post. I guess much had happened since then, I had so much to tell, and the more than the occasional in between drafts that got abandoned as I was too tired to complete. There's fairly enough typing done in the hospital's computerized documentation that I guess I would rather rest my fingers at home. So here's some random keynote that occurred in my life by then.

1. Completed my housemanship of 2 years duration. I had never doubted my competency to finish it in time, but I am always having reservation because of the luck factor. Some things can go really wrong even if you'd done everything right, and sometimes Lady Luck even favors some who were really incompetent HO to go through all postings smoothly. Luck can be really cruel. But nevertheless, I am now officially a Medical Officer with no qualms and with a proper licence to kill heal. 

2. My wife is pregnant (Gloating at my own ability). Our family planning enters phase two. We are trying hard to get twenty one. Or hardly trying. They say newlyweds tend to hit jackpot in the first year, but those who defer, may have a harder time instead. Maybe it is because of occupational hazard and probably the vast variety of entertainment in the world. Which is why the poor tend to have more babies, because they have no Facebook, Astro, cinema, etc.Or places up north where there are so lacking in entertainment that it's either religion or sex that I've always hear from those states. Oh, add in politics as it becomes a trio.

3. Went to Kuching for end of housemanship holiday. Planned for Paris but wifey couldn't find her passport. In that short amount of time, there is no time to replace one, so opt for a luxury trip in Kuching. Pullman hotel in Kuching had one of the best modern rooms which I would really give a 5-star ratings. Went for a Kayak trip for RM 200 per person and got its money's worth. 11km going down the river in 4 hours, enjoying the nature and cooling river, amidst the worries of sunburn, fatigue and the possibility of tropical infection of Leptospirosis or Meliodosis. The whole trip including the flight tickets costs Rm 2,000+, but still cheaper than the would have been Paris trip which would add another zero behind the figures. So, I'm still saving a hefty figure from NOT going to Paris. Lol!

4. I got my Xperia Tablet Z for my birthday, thanks to my parents and wifey. Splashproof, scratchproof, and ultra light for a 10 inch tablet. Loving it so much that I really tried bringing it to the bathtub while in Pullman hotel, Kuching, and also during my occasional showers while reading manga. Just to test out the function of the practically waterproof machine. For the time being, it is only used for my entertainment purpose and the occasional e-book reading with Aldiko Premium as well as Malaysian CPG's. Oh yeah, Candy Crush does looks magnificent on this too, although sometimes I prefer the my loyal Xperia S smartphone.

5. I am officially 27 years old 5 days ago. Can't imagine being any older by the day. Time practically flies and I'd no idea where the lost time goes to. Perhaps I am not suited for medical field, such that I had lost most of my youthfulness into the field where your time is taxed and the return is not really profitable in terms of satisfaction. And I am still contemplating between MRCP, MRCPCH or maybe even MRCGP. I thought that as one age, one becomes less ambitious and more focused, but here we are at the crossroad again. Taking 5 subjects in STPM wasn't all about the challenge, but it was just me being greedy trying to keep my all options open. But then, that small and meagre achievement is nothing compared to what comes later, so I'd taken another swipe at those 4.0 crybaby student who couldn't get into Medicine. Count yourself lucky then. A top student does not necessarily means he will excel in work, especially in the current Generation Y where helicopter parents play a major role and these kids lack the ambition to work and studying had almost become a specialized occupation without the need to become streetwise.

6. I am planning to transfer back to KL from Temerloh. Hopefully the transfer is approved so that we would be able to settle down back in the civilization. 2 years away and I'd noticed there are more cars on the road. Or perhaps I am just too used to little traffic in Temerloh. Either way, I am back from being a ferocious Tarzan beast in the jungle to the adorable Dave/Stuart Mr Nice Guy.

7. Hari Raya is around the corner. So, I'll be doing multiple oncalls by then. Before I sign off this, wishing my Muslim friends Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri by then and Selamat Berbuka Puasa for the time being. And no, I am not holding any Bak Kut Teh delicacy on my chopsticks, just some freshly made pancake I made for my wifey for breakfast for her maiden oncall today. Serious! I'm not lying! :P

Little did I know that I'll be a quarter of a century old in an hour's time. Last year, I was in Slim River. This year, I am in Temerloh. Perhaps, the journey from home starts with celebrating your birthdays away from home. It does not bring any significance, apart from the fact that I am another year older, but not necessarily wiser. A retrospective look at my very own history showed that I've came a long way to where I am now, but compared to the journey of time, my experience is no more than a budding stem without a clear steer of goals. I am but just, still at the very beginning of time.

I came across this quote from a book, from "Speeches That Changed The World".

"Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, and the soul of soulless conditions. It is the opium of the people."


Seems that it got stuck in my mind.

Hardly surprising. :)

Touched down at the induction camp at Seri Malaysia, Port Dickson for the next 4 days and 3 nights.

The things that I do best is to  break the rules. That is, to wear a pair of jeans with a round neck T-shirt. Not too casual, but technically, I did break it.

Or maybe it was that that had attracted attention. Unknowingly, I am now the "Penghulu" for the camp. "Self-appointed", konon...

The fruit of being late to get a spot to sit, and sitting in the front row earned me this privilege.

"Wow..."

I am speechless. I hope this all goes well.

By the way, I saw some familiar faces here. Khairi, for example. Or some students from unscheduled Uni who had once sit for UKM professional exams. Or Kok Sen Wai, the author of one of the blogs that Caryn reads often (Maybe I should say she's a fan of his blog). Because this is the only induction camp at the time, so 90 participants from all sorts of Uni (local, overseas, etc) are here. Future doctors, before we are sent off to practically anywhere (hospitals with specialists, but this may change soon) within Malaysia.

Guess I'll know my fate tonight. :)

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Because I am lazy, I am not able to put up any new post here. 


Because I am lazy, I feel like it's holiday now. It is, indeed.


Because I am lazy, I'll just put up the draft titles instead of concocting a post which was supposedly to be here.

1. Kota Kinabalu Trip + The Proposal?
2. Melaka trip
3. Bridal Studio Hunt: The experience/advice of a groom?
4. If I were to to be in the Education Ministry, the syllabus of the History subject would be...
5. My Medical Check Up in Private Clinic was RM100- RM40(discount)?
   
6. Registration of Marriage: How it works, and my actual day is....
   

Traveling out of my usual comfort zone can be rather tiring. Across the ocean, up in the air, traversing the land on foot, through scorching heat and subsequent heavy rain with strong winds, all in a day. I was wondering if it could have been more dramatic. But oh well, I guess it is worth the journey. I am all smiles, and at least, I am not in a prepaid air-cond windowless room in Tune. Phew!


Next trip: Ipoh!

The air out of the window seems calm. After some 5 years, and hopefully the final gasping grasping moments, now comes the calm before the storm.



The long path seems never ending, walking on the narrow path of sturdy planks. You hope that you would reach the end all these while. In line with the school of what you may call compatriots, gliding down the last journey for most of us. To embark on a new journey.



 But then, all you see is yourself doing this:



And so, the question is, are we going to take this very leap of faith? Or to hold it for maybe, another 6 months for some unfortunate some (hopefully me not included).


All the best to everyone who would be facing the same fate as me. May God(whichever yours may be) bless you. All the best of luck.

 

I'm recently reeling around blogs again. To read what I've missed on the the life of others. It's true that more and more of us are not as expressive in words than we used to be. The usual "Hi's" and "Bye" were said in a word or two, or within the capture of 160 characters in Twitter or FB status. For me, my lack of presence in the blog could only meant that I was busy, or because there weren't as much things unsettling to rant about. 


For us who have yet to graduate, perhaps the blogging season would be around the corner. The frustration, the fatigue, the anxiety and the fear which had caught up on us, baring its fangs. I could feel the breathe on my neck, warm but devoid of the tender loving care one would expect. It has been a long time since a single exam stood there determining your efforts for 5 years, and the adrenaline rush that came with it. Time was not as forgiving either, relentlessly catching up on us who slacked, and to realize that what's left might not be enough.


How I wished I could be without fear. How I wish I could turn back time, because now it meant I've reach a quarter of a century of age, it seems. My presence could only be of a speckle of dust in relation to the world. And every morning, I'd waked up hoping that it was time to don the usual white shirt and green pants for school. But I'd get disappointed, because I knew it would not happen. Since when was the the time we looked forward to school to meet up with friends, having trivial exams, having to get to see your crush in school or tuition, catching up with the latest issue of comics/ football magazine/ CLOVE, watching some Hong Kong/ Japanese/ Korean drama or playing down some racing arcade?

But oh well, in 3 months' time, I wonder if I would still be penning my emotions down, or would I proceed with life just like any other kid have done, leaving a piece of memories here and then. It seems the same happens to others as well. Our unsettling hearts yearned for a place to pour our feelings as the D-Day approaches. But all we know, what may seem like a D-Day is just part and parcel of life, nothing of significance once we're over with it. Until then, the worries and anxiety would still be creeping around.


By the way, I happened to break some bad news to some patient. I was to be a translator for a House Officer to a patient. Seeing that the HO was casual, I thought it was a normal process. I translated sentence by sentence before even knowing what was the problem. He had tuberculosis. And so I broke the news to him. Just a normal patient education I guessed, on the 6 months or more of medication. Until I had to translate/ break the next piece of bad news. He had HIV. I was supposed to translate just a sentence of "Uncle, you are HIV positive." But what could I say to soften that tone or approach? I was taken aback by the statement, being as shocked as if I was the one having it. I couldn't bear myself to do that, that I'd gone a slightly longer but safer route in breaking the piece of news ala PPD style. He was shocked, but we had to go on to educate him on the HAART therapy and the possibility of a bronchoscopy. The HO asked if he had any questions, but he had none, given the state that he was in. How would you expect a person who just knew he had HIV to react and to learn the prognosis of his condition? I would like to pat him on the shoulder, to console him, but guess I was too stunned as well. I offered my sympathy, because he wasn't the usual drug addicts nor prostitute-seeker. He was a contractor-worker who had a 6-month relationship last year, with an Indonesian girl who worked at a bar. Not as bad, but of equally as high risk.


The HO left immediately after getting his job done. I stayed for a while, trying to sort out his feelings and thoughts. Before I left, I'd reassured him that not all hope was lost. But maybe I could not sound as convincing, with him in a dejected state. Maybe I'll need more experience to be well-versed in breaking bad news. Before I left, he thanked me, but I was still dumbfounded, because I did not expect to in such a situation in the first place. It felt kinda awkward.


If only I could be more professional in my doings. If only I'd knew what was coming. Maybe I was just caught unprepared. *sigh*

Today was the first day in UKMMC for my Internal Medicine posting. The day is yet to be over, and I'm having my on-calls later as well. There's quite a variety of cases in the wards, a nice welcome for us after all. I was clerking an 82 years old Chinese lady who came in due to shortness of breath, diagnosed with decompensated chronic cardiac failure secondary to atrial fibrillation. She was ADL-dependent due to an episode of stroke causing right sided weakness 10 years ago.
In layman's term, she had a stroke 10 years ago and have to rely on others to take care of her. She came in because of her heart problems. 


As usual, the common questions were asked. It was the point that I asked about her dependence on others that she almost broke in tears. At her age, I can feel her frustration. Not being able to take care of self may seem like a burden for others. Coupled with some children of theirs who think so too, it would only worsen her depression. Fortunately, not all children think so, but the elderly would require emotional support to reassure that they are loved.


I was quick to switch the topic to her grandchildren. She had a few staying in the same house, mostly under 5 years of age. I could see her eyes lit with joy when she talked about them, how grandparents had always look forward to loving their grandchildren, when their own children had gone past the "sticking close to parents" stage. Perhaps, a few minutes chat about them gave back hope about going on. Before I left, I'd wished her to get well soon, so that she could see her grandchildren back at home. At least, she seems agreeable and would have something to look forward to. And I hope that the motivation would keep her going on.

In life, perhaps we as doctors may think we've done a good job by keeping our patients free from disease, but all we do is healing diseases, but we could be lacking of the ability in healing hearts. Somehow, I'd wondered if a holistic approach may be ideal, although hard to practise. At least, we should try if we could.

I am back from Teluk Intan, and I am really relieved that I am free from Internet withdrawal. No more relying on GPRS (frequent disconnection) for internet, as if I was living in the 90's with the dialup 56 kbps modem. I am just glad with my home's 4Mbps. Finally, heaven on earth. :)

And here's some random filler before I go on with some lengthy post in the not so far future.


Most Memorable Twitter Quote of 2010:
"I would like to complete my examination by getting the gold medal." - Wai Loong

I am not the wisest man on earth when it comes to choices. I knew the fact that I hesitated many times as I'd rather be non-committal. But again, time is a factor now as we need to decide. This time, to where I am posted for my housemanship training.


And the story goes again and again like this:


Primary six, post-UPSR:
I was offered a spot in a boarding school, SM Sains Selangor, Cheras. Yes, the one near UKMMC. I'd no idea why would my school applied for me without my consent for once. It must have been lucky to be among the 3 chosen ones from my school, but I had begged to differ. Boarding schools were never my culture, and never in my blood. It just meant strict discipline without the comfort of home. Some of you may boast of how disciplined you'd get, but that's your business (and your own consolation, not mine). So, boarding school means waking up at 5am even if you don't have to, because your dorm mates are already up for prayers. Boarding school means no television. Boarding school means going out of school twice a month, once for grocery shopping and once for spending the weekends with the family. It meant no life for someone like me who lives in an urban setting full of temptations and leisure. Why would I want to torture myself? It's not like my life depended on it. It's not like it's the only way for me to obtain education for the sake of social mobility. Mind you, I think I'd done better than I would have if I'm in a boarding school, if I did not suffer from depression, suicidal, or most likely homicidal given the nature of my temper when provoked. Oh, of course, not to mention that I cried, beg and pleaded not to be sent there. Oh well, that was the past.


Secondary 5, Post-SPM:
An offer for Singapore's A-level. Yes, the most unlikely offer, with no guarantees for anything. High chance that I'll be sent home post A-levels with nothing left for me. But then, it stood as an option, to experience something different from my local experience. Too many things and matters prevented me from going. National service, for once, had summoned upon me. And the poor response and inability of the Singapore officials in handling this matter, being always non-chalant and very irresponsible. I'd no idea why I'd always had bad experiences with Singapore until now with some sort of jinx, but that's another story altogether. If I'm there, I have to share a room for two, while at home, I'm having two rooms for my own. The comfort of home is just too tempting.


High school, Post- STPM:
Perhaps it was time to leave the nest. I was contemplating the universities at offer, with the possibilities wide enough for a choice of my own. Well, perhaps London was a loose choice, with LSE being my dream university I wonder why. At that moment, taking the path of an economist wasn't that bad an idea. But sooner than later, it was a graduated exposure, I know. It was slightly further than home, I'd to leave in a hostel, but I still had the freedom to travel to and fro home as I like. I know not many people could enjoy the luxury, which is why they would label "mommy's boy" or worse. But I know, given the opportunity, they would do the same too. It's just that I grabbed hold of what's mine and they couldn't.


Med-School: Pre-professionals exams:
There could be no turning back now it seems. Time to spread my wings and fly and breathe in the air from the higher skies. If I had not make a journey now, I would have to leave later without a promise of return. I'd taken my 1st leap. It is now up to fate if I would eventually glide and soar off in my maiden leap, or should I fall like how the great Humpty Dumpty did.

And suddenly, the poems came back to my mind:



TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I guess today I had not been in the usual melancholic tone. Why? I'm not really sure for myself. Out of the blue, there were ideas pouring out of the squirmy creature in my head. Poems, ideas, memories of the past, and of my ideals. It took quite some time to realize that I was in a daze of dreams. A snap back to reality left me with nothing much ado. After years, I had been easily contented by what I had. Gone were the dreams of the youth. The dreams of glory and the ever perplexing pouring fame on the waves of success. 


I dreamed of moving the hearts of thousands, touching the hearts of millions, and shaping the world of billions. I'd wished my name stood tall among the ranks of the elites: Socrates, Einstein, Beethoven, Da Vinci, Napoleon, Hitler, Mahatma Gandhi. Never mind my lack of ability in music or arts or tact of any sorts, but to leave an impression on the world so big that no one can refute my presence or contribution. But I would still be sane enough to avoid proclaiming my bedtime dreams were visions, to make myself a saint or have a book written for me and idolized by of millions of worshipers. 

I just want to make an impact. Just a lil' mark in this world. But I guess reality grabbed hold of us and we just stopped dreaming. *Sigh*  I just feel so old.

There's been a death in the opposite cubicle,
Or two, I've lost count today,
I knew it from the counting rhythm,
From such cubicles, silent but urgent.


The family looking, in hope,
Though they knew the probable outcome,
Doctors and nurses hustling in,
Medical students joining unto the fray.


Hands laid down by the heart,
Pumping vigorously, mechanically,
To return that one last breath of life,
Into a soul bound to afterlife.


The rhythm counting from thirty to two,
Or sometimes twenty and hundred,of fleeting moments,
Shifting from one, and on to the other,
As the flailing chest move in recoil.


The drugs exhausted, so were the people,
Even shock paddles had done their duty,
As the minutes count to five and forty, or sometimes less,
A pronouncement made o' the minister of death.


Members of the house gathered around,
Bidding one final act of tears and goodbye,
Thanking the people who helped,
And a solemn moment of prayers around.

The flicker of life, extinguished eternally,
But not forgotten, engraved on the heart,
Knowing that she had loved, and been loved,
And those who would inherit her will,
Would carry the will of life, and would pass it on,
In this cycle of life, where death is just an old friend.

Somehow, I seem to like to remind myself of the yesteryears. It seems as if it was just recently when I was fresh into clinical years. I guess certain experience gets stuck with life in medical school. I'm sure someday, out of the blue, you'll get thrown a question of "How was your med school's life is like?" I'm pretty jealous of those having answers like "party and booze" (provided they graduate, of course), or "It's just a stroll in the park". Yeah, mine was fun in some way too, with a trip to EAMSC Taiwan, inheriting the title of "Flirt King", the involvement in the Faculty of "Paktorlogy", the Tanjong kArang experience, the intimate moments, pretty much the ups and downs of life.


But wait, that was mostly the first half of the story. The first half of med school, most of 'em. I've somewhat not remember what I've really had after that. Long I stood staring out of the window, and the only thing I'm reminded of, is pancakes.


What's so special about the pancakes? It's because it was a story shared by one of my seniors some years back, I think 2 years ago. Back then, in Year 3, I could only imagine myself being in her shoes. And now, I guess I'm not imagining it anymore. I'm IN IT!!! The original metaphor came from this LINK. And my senior, Shin Yin had hers here.  



I have a lot to learn. By Friday, anyway. I have a Pharmacology exam followed by a Pathophysiology exam this coming Monday. Once again, I find myself behind. It’s the funny kind of behind where you look at the stack of notes on your desk (2″ of one, 3″ of the other) and sort of chuckle. “Ha. This is going to be funny.” Cue despair.


Looking at it now, I’m tempted to start the passive bragging of impossible odds. “You have no idea how hard it is,” I’d say. “Medical school is like trying to take a drink from a fire hose,” I’d brag.


And that’s total bullshit.


At the beginning of each course, we’re given a syllabus telling us how we’re going to be graded, the question break-down for each test, and the schedule of lectures each day for the next 4-5 months. Nothing is going to sneak up on you unless you can’t read the print on the page (in which case you’re blind and things sneak up on you all the time).


But it’s sunny outside or snowing outside or Tuesday. Whatever. You’re in medical school to become a doctor, not to be in a classroom (scheduling conflicts here) and you find yourself out on the weekends, maybe catching a movie on the weekday, and so on. You blow off the first week of any course because the material is supposed to be introductory and you certainly blow off the first week after any exam to recuperate. Maybe you take off two weeks if it was especially difficult and draining.


Eventually though, the next exam is closer than the last exam and you have to return to the desk and pretend to be a serious student. The first week back studying, you won’t be as efficient and as familiar with the material as you were leading up to the last test, so there’s some built-in catching up to do. You can’t understand the material taught TODAY because you blew off the introduction, so until you catch up, you keep falling behind. By the time you’re back in your stride the exam is so close you can feel it’s breath on your neck and you still have material to cover on a first pass. Let’s not forget: you haven’t reviewed or committed anything to memory at this point. It’s now that you understand the truth:


Medical school is like trying to eat five pancakes every morning for breakfast.


You know you can do it. A Premed advisory committee endorsed you saying, “He has the stomach for it. He’s committed.” And you prove them all right. Every day you show up with your first-year optimism and your annoying hunger for learning and you clean that plate (just kidding, it’s adorable). But you begin to notice that those pancakes are slowing you down a little each day and the sugar highs and lows are screwing with your sleep. Smart person that you are, you decide to pass on the flapjacks one day. You think to yourself, “Self, I’m going to eat ten pancakes tomorrow so that I don’t have to eat any today.”


But it never stops. Turns out that “self” isn’t the most responsible lender, and before you know it there are 40 pancakes in front of you and your plate needs to be clean by tomorrow. So yeah, at this point it looks impossible. But really, it’s your fault.


In the future, as I like to imagine it, I’ll be in charge of all medical school admissions. The process will be six weeks long and will consist of nothing more than showing up each morning to eat five pancakes, at which point you can then go about whatever you were going to do that day. At the end of the five weeks a few jaded, newly diabetic hopefuls will come to my office and, mixed with both pride and resignation say, “I did it. I finished those goddamn pancakes.”


“Wow,” I’ll say. “That’s very impressive. You must be very proud, and your parents must be very proud. Just one more thing.” 

They’ll reflexively clutch their stomachs, shifting their girth from one hip onto the next and groan, “What’s that?”


“Regurgitate it.”


I could laughed it off 2 years back. But now, I guess I could just turn blue. I think I'd quite diligently finished the pancakes most of the time. But I got even smarter at times. I tried finishing 20 at a go so that I could have a rest for 3 consecutive mornings. That must have been a brilliant plan, I thought. Perhaps a Nobel Prize for it. But our stomach can only take it 5, or 10 at most. And so it was churned out, in no time due. With lots of regrets. Because I'd to rest the stomach for a week due to pancakes intoxication. At the end of the week, I had 5 new pancakes for the day, and on top of that, 15 pancakes from the last week. Oh, and not forgetting those 20 churned out in splatter. By then, I knew I'm screwed.

But oh well, maybe it's just pre-exam blues. I can't believe that the 5 years time in med school is up. All I can do is to look forward, and finish my pancakes before it gets stacked up too high that I can't get a hold of what's in front of me anymore. *sigh*

I figured that my absence meant that many would have thought I was too busy with my posting. The fact was, it was a relatively free posting  for me, amidst being in O&G, relatively unscathed as compared to the rest. However free it was, I still had to stick around the wards. The reason I was free for the past 6 weeks?

1. The 1st 2 weeks was full of workshop. As hectic as it seems, it meant there was no time for ward rounds. 8am- 5pm seems a good deal because you wouldn't need to stay longer in the wards until 7pm, or to come back again at 9pm to cover the wards, and even the possibility of getting to the wards at 6am for the very same reason. I had managed to draw the "1st blood" in the midst of my irritability due to lack of sleep from the noisiest person, partially my fault, maybe 30% credits to me.
2. The 3rd and 4th week was in Teluk Intan enjoying life, because the specialist there was so phobic of medical students that he couldn't even dare to make a proper eye contact. I mean, there's no point being a specialist when all you look is down at the ground. Are you talking to the ants? It's almost a waste of time there because no one bothers bout you, so we took the ample time there to self-study before we could get screwed back in UKMMC.
3. The 5th and 6th week brought good news because the queen bee was not around, for some spiritual reasons. This means that the wards were quiet and peaceful. There is no need for fear of any confrontation after all, after 2 weeks of preparations in Teluk Intan to well-equipped myself with ample knowledge. Plus, most of the days, the next-in-line in the wards were too busy with the profesional exams (Ulangan) and the 3rd year exams so there are less ward rounds and even lesser teaching. Hence the actual tutor who had really taught us was Prof Zainul, with his tips and knowledge amidst the countless words of "nonsense", "joker" and "hopeless medical students" that flew out generously from him. I start to have more respect for him who had shown us his sense of maturity, responsibility, and care for his students. 

And now, there's only 2 days next week for us for our O&G end of posting exams. The department had approved the Deepavali holidays from Wednesday onwards. So, that means, my ward rounds and O&G had ended without a bang, but for a good reason, of course. :)

P.S: Wish me luck for the test. Lalala...

I guess one should take a break, and reflect once in a while, such as to keep our sanity in check. And anger as well. Most of the time, whenever there is a PPD reflection, I'm sure most of us were tempted to put in a one-liner in the submission, such as "Please refer my blog" for fellow bloggers. Or perhaps for the most of us, it would be "Please check my FB/ Twitter status updates for an honest reflection of what I am going through". An emo update would indicate a depression state, or some it could be a mania state. But if you happened to see me publishing FB games updates on the wall, please ignore it. It wouldn't be me playing 6-7 FB games out of boredom/escapism. It wouldn't be me spending most of my time on FB for things like such. It could probably be a hacker playings games with my account, accumulating in-game wealth all for my sole benefit. I mean, our online activities clearly defines what we reflect anyway. Bloggers may include photos, which would decorate the dry "model essay" that we submit for PPD reflection everytime.


And to include some videos, like, what they have learnt in the posting, like trucut biopsy technique or the tool.



And so to talk about Peds posting, perhaps we should have a recollection of Year 4. The zest and ambitions that failed to materialize:

If there is a shopping that I love to do, it would be for medical books. I have only a few photocopied books, which half I had the original ones as well, particularly the new Pre-Test series. But somehow I got myself the most number of books for Pediatrics, which I did not fully utilize because there's too much to read and also because I slacked off. 

If you'd think that Pediatrics is just a happy place where the cute kids and toys are, you would suck in all the happiness as well, you must be dead wrong.




But oh well, everyone has a different perception, so I'll leave it to you guys to determine yourself.



And so, I was chosen and sent to a rural area which requires 2 hours of sampan upstream, 5 hours of walking with no electricity and clean water supply from SYABAS Hospital Slim River for the 1st 2 weeks for attachment. I must say the hospital was quite decent although I can't say so for the accommodation.




The best thing was, I was sent there on my birthday. For that, I had to celebrate my birthday in Zeuk Slim River with my fellow group mates. They were very kind indeed. I got elected as a leader on that day with my %$# good luck in drawing lots. And it was also my 1st 24 hours on-call.




But oh well, we'll make do with what we had. Chin Kimg and Zi Teng helped celebrated my birthday in Slim River. Of course, my dear had celebrated with me on the weekends prior to going to Slim River. I had a nice golden tie, but I don't do much camwhoring lately. Thanks dear. And yes, I would like to take the opportunity to thank them (CK & ZT) as well.






If you think we had any enthusiasm, it must have been brought from the feel good effect of Surgery posting. Of course, some had very high hopes when we were there.






The problem is, everything there is just too slow-paced. We were just sucked into the trap of softwork (the opposite of hardwork?) And so, every single piece of optimism was sucked out of us before being sent back to UKMMC. 


Fortunately, we picked up the fast-paced lifestyle in UKMMC despite some initial difficulties. Perhaps it was the reverse-Midas touch that I had during our senior's convocation. We were back in time to be there, at least for a while if not the whole event.


The gold medal was a source of inspiration and dream for most of us. An elusive dream. I would really want to molest have a feel of it and gained some of its blessings. Fortunately, there weren't many of us, so I had a bigger portion of the blessings the opportunity to feel and have a closer look. And this may be our only chance since we'll be too jealous to touch our coursemate's gold medal by the time of our convocation. :P


Enough said. That was just a side story to introduce the rare and shiny gold medal along with the recipient, of course:




As for the Peds posting, life goes on as usual, apart from the too many MMC medical students hogging the patients in Peds, while awaiting their professionals exams in UKMMC. I mean, Peds has only 1 ward with max 28 patients. We had 30 UKM medical students at one time in the wards, along with almost 20 more from MMC. Overcrowdedness is an issue. Another issue was some of them had a longest case exam style. They can take 4-5 hours just to clerk a patient. Maybe that's the exam style in China or that particular Uni. -.-"


As I have Assoc Prof Dr Raja Juanita as my supervisor, Peds wasn't that torturing, as she was one of the few doctors who were more benign.


We even have time for the occasional adventures.




Yeah, it means no more jam in the town trying to grab a bite in a place with a rather high crime-rate in Jalan TAR.



And on the last week of Peds posting, we had skills lab, supposedly to hone our skills.
But we used dummies for skills lab. The "fake" feeling is still there, just like how fake boobs would have feel like. It's just not real.


And here is an extra one. To prove a point that it's just hard to take from a dummy, and the unreal feeling.


Overall, I am satisfied with the posting. Partially because I put in more efforts than last year in Peds. Partially because the sense of redemption was there. I read more to cover what I have not in Year 4. I worked harder but may not achieved what others may have gone through, but that's alright. Paying back my karma in Year 4 would be enough, and what matters the most is that I am better than the me yesterday. After all, I just need to compare with myself. :P


P.S: The anticipation of O&G posting would be reserved for another post. (Should there be one)