Temptations & Ambitions

Ambitions. What is ambition? Is it something each of us had deep inside? Something that everyone aspire to be. A childhood dream? A long term goal? No one could clearly depict the true definition of it. We are humans afterall, and of course all of us had ambitions. It's just that whether how big or how small it is. To lead a simple life is one ambition too. At least, that is what I view it as. To be the greatest person on Earth, is a large ambition indeed. As we all proceed along the path of life, we are gradually moulded by the world. Each of us had a story untold, the story different in its own way. Something we had to cherish. Our life started as a blank page, and how we fill it depends on ourselves. The imagination is the boundary. If you could draw out a story from a person on the street, you could hear stories that you will never hear before. And here I am, writing something of little value to the readers, but leaving myself pondering for now, and in the future. How wise I could be, and how foolish I am too. I am not in the mood to write anything now. Just following the movements of my fingers on the keyboard, as it flow in rhythm with my mind. My world has been meaningless for now, as the only the prologue has been penned down. Ouch, I'm not into the mood now. G*D bless me..

Long time no see. At last, I'm back here. Have you read newspaper today? I didn't. My mum read the Nanyang Siang Pau (Which ought to be Xiang Pau in pin yin, I guess) The meeting with TARC principal that day with our photos taken had been on the Chinese paper, long after the STPM results, which had gone out of sight of everyone. I mean, TOTALLY. Who cares now if os and so got such a good results? Life move on, and to each, of its own. But well, at least I did not appear in the newspaper for the wrong cause. Not for the one I always joke of, "Dejected TARCian commit suicide", or "TARCian commit murder", or so on. n_n" And now, let's get back on topic.
For the past 2 weeks, been helping Mr Ng, my TARC Physics lecturer to check his form four Physics exercise book. Oh yes, it took me no time to go through it. Guess when I look back at those form 4 physics, it's just chicken feet. I've got so many ways to solve the questions, especially when the questions test your concepts, where the calculation is just done with the calculator. Thanks to Mr Ng, I found out my Physics has improved, the techniques to solve the Physics question had changed from being long-winded to precise and accurate. imagine the years I spent in Seksyen 5 school struggling all by myself, doing all the questions the long way. IN STPM, you can't use the long ways, because it was time consuming. You must master the concept and apply the precise formula, and everything falls into place. So, applying those again into my f4 exercise, I guess I'll be scoring every now and then if I were given the chance to go through my SPM life again. On second thoughts, I don't feel like going back. I'll be hoping to grow up if I got my wish. -.-"
Oh, ya. I got requests to tutor for f4 Physics. I'm not sure why they asked me, but anyway, I might consider it. I've never considered tutoring as a profession, neither as a part-time job. I prefer not charging people, because it will put less pressure if my students do not perform. Lolz.. I'm so bad... But hey, at least I learn Physics in English in F6. Wouldn't I be more qualified? Even Tiong Leh also got teach f4 Physics. n_n" But then again, teaching is not easy. I don't want to vomit blood teaching those who can't undersand a single word I say. Uhh..oh..
Anyhow, nowadays been too free. Playing Silkroad for the past 2-3 weeks. I need work, and the occasional work I did to help my dad wasn't enough. basketball had been starting to integrate into my routine, twice a week, starting from this week. -.-" So, if anyone is free, call me out yumcha leh..I'm so bored at home rusting. Zzzzz.. Ok? So that's all for now, until I find something to blog again. Bye..

Basically, I've been going through life boringly nowadays. The same routine, glued to the PC for hours everyday. Even my jumps are lower by half a foot at least. Deteriorating stamina, strength and with a bit of weight gaining, I think my weight/muscle ratio is not good. It's time for me to ralise that lack of exercise is really not beneficial. I'm having writer's block as usual. Don't you ever had a feeling that you could think of so many things, and yet when you are to pen it down, or in this era, blog it up, you just don't know what to write. The same applies here. Or perhaps I'm a person that is very forgetful. Everything comes and goes, even anydthing that I had studied. I wish I could get out of the room more often and walk around the cities, but the will just could not go on. Oh, please someone slap me and wake me up! I can't do it alone. There is no life in me now. A body without a soul. Just give me a SMS to let me know that I exist!! Ughh.. Everyone seems busy, and no one is going the same path of life. We parted the moment we left our secondary school. Most of us had no regrets over our decision yet, because we are on the path, not the destination yet. To where we will be going, that is the question that makes everyone ponder. In the end, that is one unanswerable question, and ironically, the one that makes life interesting. We had always wish to be able to predict the future, so we could anticipate it. But if we could predict the future, then it would not be the future. If everyone knows the future, they will always change the future, and the whole world will be moulded into another 'future', yet unpredictable because there are so many hands altering it. Haven't you ever wonder, what makes the future interesting? It is the anticipation. The feel of the adrenaline/epinephrine (different names, same hormone) rushing through the veins of your body. The unwanted anxiety that yet causes euphoria. The unexpected twist. That is all that matters. Is success the sweetest thing in life? It IS if you had gone through many disappointments and failures that you treasure it, you appreciate it. If success is gained on the first attempt, you will take it for granted, not even appreciating it. Who knows the value of success if he/she had not fail before? Look at the bright side. At least, the more you fail, the lesser chance for you to fail the next time. So eventually u will succeed. For those who had never succeed, it is not because they are born failures, just that they had too many 'chances to fail' to discard. Just be patience and work hard. The harder you work, the faster you discard the failures, and eventually you will succeed. So, don't think of a shortcut to success. There is none. Everyone works hard for it. that's why I always fume within when some naive fellow who boast how he/she will succeed early in the age, considering to be their first attempt. Not many does, maybe Bill Gates and few more in the world, who actually work harder than normal people. You can too, but at this young age, not many can. You all expect to live like a spoilt brat and earn like the hardworkers. I don't. Not that I brag. I just want neither. A balance between the both is good enough. I like to do what I like, and yet able to survive. I can't judge people, because I'm being judged as well. But who cares? I do my own things, and keep everything to myself. That shall be the way.

You know, University rankings means nothing to me. It's just a comparison of standards which is subjective to the reviewer. But anyhow, I hate those who use it to brag about their Uni. Oh, my Uni got top 10, etc. It's been going like this for few years, and the person saying it did not realise that nobody cares, except he/she indulging with its fantasy. So what? Get over with life. Life is nothing of qualifications, you don't need A's to be the top. I get A's for self-satisfaction, not like the common layman who expects to get loads of cash from what he/she excels in his studies. As I had always say, school is just a place to study. So what if your Un or school are the famous ones? So what if the President graduate from which Uni? The question is, are you the one who succeed? No. What is the point of delusion of people's success? Strive hard for your own. Look up on others for their traits, not by following exactly their footsteps. Oh, Mahathir go UM, so I must go UM. Mahathir eat nasi lemak from that stall, so I must eat from that stall too? Mahathir use that toilet, I must use it too. Bill gates was a dropout, so I must be a dropout too? Taht Uni produce Nobel prize winner, so I must go to that Uni too? Well, for your info, before these famous people had ever been or do the things I ever said, those places/things were not famous. There are always Nobel Prize winner popping up from unknown Unis, or self-research, even those who had produced one did not do so anymore in at least a century? It all depends on yourself. Know what are the traits that made them succeed. Determination, perseverance, discipline, and many other more. Then again, no point being able to point all that out if you can't practise it either. That's why I had told an NS friend before, I'd prefer studying in an unknown school and excel, to help glorify it, and be acknowledged. No point going to a famous school and be sidelined, no matter how good you are. But the trick? Do your own research about the place you're going. No school is good forever, at most few years. The cycle always changes, as not many realise it, bragging with the stats from 2002 when now we are in the year 2006. Get a decent school, and the rest is up to you. You yourself determines what you are. I've seen many poeple determined to score in their exams, but yet, lazing around and skipping classes. When the exam comes, they panic. During results day, they hope they will still score and pray to G*d harder than when their family members died. Yet, they cursed and dejected when they got their results. Is that what the world suppose to function? Pray hard and let G*d do the rest? G*d only helps those who helps themselves, be reminded, my friend. I've seen many so called staunched Christians and Buddhist who really leaves everything to G*d. they say pray hard for A's, but not for the strength and determination to go through it. The easy way out, perhaps. Shame on you guys, when I as a free thinker could think better than you guys. Anyway, I shall reserve much of my comments, or else I might be rebuked by those 'above'. I'm not a successful person, I'm just a bean sprout, not yet a tree. There are still a long way ahead, and may I have the courage, strength, perseverance, endurance to go through all of it.

Today quite tired, almost whole day at TARC. Drive to TARC about 11.15am, but when I reached TARC, realised that I forgot to bring my certs. Ewhh..Ohmygosh..Have to drive back home and take back to TARC. But nevermind lor, because my house is so near. When I reach there, Ms Veronica say she will be free at 1.30pm. So I visit Mr Ng, to help him 'proof read' his book. What book? He's writing Physics Exercise books for Pelangi, form four and form 6. He say got lots of mistakes, ask me help to check for him also. Good for him, cause at last he write books wor.. He's quite good at teaching ma, must write some books also lar.. And I chat with him, and realised that his son study Medic at UPM!! Oh my god!! He's so humble even about his son. Given if it's Pre-U Head of School Mr Lee or the Principal of TARC, they boast about their children studying Medic overseas!! His son so good man.. But he got 4A 1B, B for PA..haha.. Mr. Ng say his son only tuition for PA, and he got B for PA. And where he tuition? YAKIN!! Lolz..Must robohkan Mr. Goh's papan tanda of [Guarantee 'A']. Keke..
Anyway, manage to sort out the IPTA thing later with SAD (Student Affairs Dept). Ms Veronica have to pass the thing to SAD cos they are handling it. So went to SAD office see Mr Tan Seng Seng. Haha.. His face again. I've seen him quite a number of times back when I was the President of Science and Maths Society. Not him again...EWWGHhhh... Anyway, just go lor..photostated some certs for him to keep so he can verify it. Don't know why must be so strict, if goverment school sure verify straightaway for their students, don't care what it is also. Help us ma..Hehe.. In the end, manage to reached home at 4.30pm. Wet wet sumore.. Raining heavily..
Checked Mr Ng's chapter on Forces and Pressure. Not bad arh..question not really as many mistakes liek he say. But the questions quite tough if duno how to do.. If I am to do that exercise during my f4, I'm going to faint!! Cos I didn't know the technique to answer such questions, always use long method. *roll eyes* Anyway, if you know how to do in a short duration of time ( I use about 1 hour to do the 70 questions, quite slow ady), then you will master those chapters. Only if I got him as my secondary school Physics teacher, then I no need struggle for my SPM all by myself. Went thru SPM Physics the Hardknock way without guidance. What to do? The Physics teacher had a degree in Chem, not fit to teach us. I can even teach her Physics back.Haha.. Luckily in F6 got Mr. Ng's 'Super Training', where I really learn a lot. During lower six like mad study myself Physics, upper going to faint liao, if dun hav Mr. Ng..
Anyway, going to enjoy myself for this long long holiday. never had such a holiday before to do what I like. After SPM kena NS, no time to enjoy, then 2 weeks after NS finish got F6 lor..A delayed holiday. Tomorrow going PC Fair see got any cheap bargain or not lor.. Hehe..Until then, going to play MMORPG Silroad Online.

Many people opposed the thought of me studying medicine. Maybe it's because of my attitude, the one they perceived long time ago, of me a few years ago. Well, I can't say they are wrong, cause I'm still not a total changed man. They perceived me as one who would not fit to be a doctor, but yet, how much do they know how a doctor should be? They can't even handle their own lives yet, what else to judge mine? I had never talked of it, and it took me quite some time for the consideration part. after SPM, I was undecided. I shrugged my thoughts as I heard the word 'Medicine'. I questioned my own likings for it, because, with great powers come great responsibility. I wasn't ready. At THAT time. Well, I ended up taking 5 subjects in STPM, as I chose not to choose. Indeed, engineering was the first out of consideration, although I took Physics. Just in case I changed my mind, I've always thought. The option was to keep all options open.
Perhaps 2 years was enough to make a great impact on me, and much changes. It took almost a full 2 years to decide what I had wanted to take. It was never an easy decision, one that was not made in a single night. The reason was I am not a risk-taker, so I had rather take a long time. I had narrowed my path to two, Economics and Medicine. Either way brings great prospect, though may not necessarily be the same ending. Many people had said I'm crazy, because I had chose two contrasting paths. But I am rational at heart, needing not to explain my agenda by details to everyone whom I met. I had no such intention to do so, as always. No point explaining everything so complicated to such peasants who had a different class of thinking. And yet everyone has their own dreams and ideals, and I am just looking for mine, just like everyone else. just because my dreams are large, you don't need to be jealous. Get your own life. I am just looking out at the prospect of myself after 50 years, doing the same repetition.
As a matter of fact, Pizza Hut is just a training ground. Somehow, I just got the feeling that it would give a similar hectic lifestyle of a doctor. At least I would had a taste of it first to decide. And I mingled with those uneducated colleagues, being just like an uneducated server. Life will be no fun, and I can't bear to see myself, doing that for the rest of my life. I'd realized the importance of education, and I still think i would prefer climbing up the social ladder.
I had to give a note, that many people think that doctors should be makng millions, BIG BUCKS, or whatsoever. Ironically, I disagree, and have no such impression at all. Maybe because of this, I did not plan to do it overseas or even private University like IMU. As a future doctor, if I could be one, I don't look myself as one that earn much, but just enough to have a comfortable life, able to do what I enjoy. That is life, and not too money-minded. I always joked of money-minded, but have you seen me in my daily life? Do I try to earn money at every single opportunity? No, I don't think so. To help people, yetnot neglecting self-interest. that is my objective. I prefer having a life where I can do my hobbies, with some occasionally writing, to pen down my ideas, for the public, just like Lee Lam Thye. Oe even perhaps poetry, or plays? That is definitely worthwhile. Just to strike a balance.
Oh my god! What had happened to me? Given two years back, I was still the person that thinks money-making is of utmost important. Hmmph.. again..MAYBE the heart has its say. The conlicts within has been solved, and for the first time, I had somehow followed myself to the unknown. The unchartered territorry of the map of my life. The fear is gone, and I took my first step with pride, because I made a run where few could, and finish it. The marathon is over. The real journey, has just started.