Temptations & Ambitions

CHESS DAY!!

tournament chess, I'm representing KTSN to play chess in UKM Bangi. Today's quite tiring, because we had to play 6 rounds, and another 6 rounds tomorrow, from 9am-6.30pm. Today got 6 of us, because the guy reserve didn't come, and left with 4 guys and 2 girls. The team event has 5 boards, so usually Kanit, being the reserve, play lesser, taking alternate turns with Lye Fen. Amin, the 2nd year Medic senior helm the charge on the 1st board, followed by Khang Lin on the 2nd, Saifullah on the 3rd, and me, of course on the 4th. Haha.. I had the least responsibility, because 4th is usually the weakest player in every team. Anyway, we won the 1st 5 rounds, 4-1 against Kolej Rahim Kajai, 3-2 against Kolej Tun Dr Ismail (our medic seniors in HUKM, and the only game that I lost for the day), 4 and half- half againt Kolej Ungku Omar, 4-1 against Ibu Zain, and 4-1 against Ungku Omar. Nevertheless, we lost 2-3 to Kolej Burhanuddin Helmi on the last round (I won). We are 2nd on rankings on the 2nd day, after Kolej Keris Mas who won almost every round by 4 half- half. Our hope of getting a medal is still there, but to get the gold..Uh oh.. Mission almost impossible, provided we win them 5-0. Of course, that rarely happens, because I'd seen them trashing every single opponent team. Lolz.. All the best for tomorrow then.
the SUKEM chess event is held. It's at Kolej Pendeta Za'ba, being so nice, because it's the newest hostel in UKM. The cafeteria is well furnished, and looks like food court area. There's also a few huts in the centre of the cafetaria, being made in the open air. I'm so envious when I see them surfing the net with their lap tops using the WiFi connection. Why aren't there such facilities in KTSN? -.-" After the event, I wanted to go to the Pesta Tanglung carnival in UKM. But since it's raining, I can't possibly walk there from Pendeta Za'ba, especially when I don't know the way, and it's so dark. Mind you, the hostel is up on the hill, one of the downside of it. So, I really missed the opportunity to go there. Haiz.. Anyway, that's all for now. Want to sleep to replenish my depleted energy level. Goodnite.

Weathering guilt

It's been 3 months. Sometimes, I wonder if I'd been able to let it off. Was it a right decision? I'd no time to look back, for the rushhour is always lingering around me. Most of the time, it seem as it had happened a long time ago, but at times, it felt as if it were yesterday. I could only blame myself it I were to regret, for I'm the one who had made the decision. It would had hurt her much much more, for her tears would be at least ten times more of mine. Life is just always full of twist and turns. What might has faded may not fade away, and those that seem to last eternal will fade. Perhaps, that was what made life interesting. Unpredictable. No matter how much we try to be in control, our 'father' up there will always remind us that we are not absolute. I know, we had our own lives now. We have our own paths to follow. I'll be leading a new life in the same old place. I started my kindy years in St. Ronan, Titiwangsa, and now, in KTSN, Titiwangsa. Who would believe if I'd say life is not a circle? For her, hers would be in Bangi. I don't think we had such a "coincidence" to bump each other on the streets. And all this while, I'd kept quiet, for I'd been feeling guilty from head to toe. Looking back at the moments we were together, it just seem so hard to let go. But I know, I'd do more wrong than right. I'd to look forward, aim high, and let go of the past. One could never forget, but one could always let go. I wish her all the best in her future undertakings, and perhaps, if fate is still there, we shall meet up again. That is the promise.

Medical Chart (Just for Gags)

stuff from other people's blog. Just hope that I don't get sued. But it's interesting anyway, for any fella who's doing medic, esp my coursemates. Keke..

Holidays

It's truly a relief, away from all the studies, for the time being. Of course, I will make full use of it, just that it seems there's no one to share the holidays with me. Sad case.. Haven't wanted to touch any books yet, though me and Jo Ee say want to study the Human Genetics module 1st. Haiz, let him study first la, I'll catch up later, hehe..
dinner. Nothing much, just the normal family chat, when I saw the MV for a song which I had never heard of for the past 5 years. It's "Drops of Jupiter", indeed. I remember, it was one of the very few earlier songs that I'd listened from Hitz, back then in F3. It just brought back some memories at that time. True, I'd became nolstagic lately, looking in depth for the meaning of life, and my true destiny. I know, no matter how I look, it won't appear right in front of my face until the day itself comes. So why don't we just enjoy life? The fact that our study years is counting down sometimes scare me, as I know I'm entering adult's working life soon. And the intersection shall arrive in 2 years, especially during our 3rd year. I've heard lots of stories, where all your coursemates will show their TRUESELF by that time, when they really want to compete for clarking. Maybe it won't happen in UKM, or perhaps it hasn't happen yet. Maybe I'm just so passive at times that I know I won't be competing like that, or I'll fail if I try doing so. If I'm really that aggressive, I will be doing business, not medicine. Uh..cut the crap. I'm just so not in the mood to blog in the computer room. Perhaps I should bring my laptop outside and have a feel of the cold crisp of the night outside. So, I guess I'll have to stop here, a blatant end indeed, but I'm just so sorry to disappoint you readers. That's all for now. Bye...

Breaktime

I guess I'll have a break now. It seems as if I'm so free. Haha.. Sometimes, I just feel like the world revolves around me, and yet, at times, I know I'm the one revolving around mankind. The reason of existence will never be there, unless we create it. We set our own paths, our own destinies, and for every man has his own goals.(women too) Went back to TARC yesterday to collect my STPM certificate. How much effort that I had put in for that, I will always remember. Yet, for now, it seems nothing anymore. It became as worthless as my UPSR, PMR, SPM certs. People have to let go of their past and look forward to realise their dreams. I knew that all along, yet the constant reminder is just to make sure it is engraved on my cerebelum, within the ganglia, to the extend of even in the astrocytes, oligodendrocytes, microglia, and ependymal cells. Crap, I'm going too much into Bio.. Please! Someone BLEACH it off! Anyway, just feel like tearing the certs apart, so I will have no total attachment to the past, those that had mould my identity so far. I do not wish to be sequestrating the past, trapped in it for life. Letting it go seems to be more appropriate for now.
T1 lecture by Madam Khoo for US2 students for the last 10 minutes. They were revising for the coming STPM. Just can't imagine time flies so fast. It was as if the memories of the struggle during STPM was quite recent, when now, the juniors were the ones facing it. I was asked to give a pep talk, and I did it in quite a manner. I did not realise it until Madam Khoo pointed it out. I was SPEAKING in front of the lecture hall, not hesistating much and considerably relaxed than before. Mdm Khoo compliment me, but I felt it's just the mood of the day. Haha.. I admit, I'm still not good at speaking in public, but I know I'd improved a lot ever since I knew of my weakness during my F4 years. At that time, I was stuttering, talking so fast and my voice couldn't be heard, and I could feel palpitation, as well as my legs shaking with fear. And yes, the hasten heartbeat is still there, the voice couldn't be heard at times especially without a microphone because I was SWALLOWING my words out of fear. But at least, my legs didn't shake as vigorous as before, and I always try to slow down my speech so that it will be audible. The 'presentation' manner got much better, because I'm more relaxed, though I realised that I had develop a new habit of moving my hands as means of dissipitating the fear I had.
they want is to enter the local public Uni. But yet, I left out the part asking them to 'condition' themselves before the exam, so that they are physically and menttaly healthy, unlike me last year. Anyway, it does not really matter if they don't get to local Uni, for life might be even better, who knows? But of course, I shouldn't tell them so, later it won't be motivating anymore, it'll be more of preparing a plan B as if the plan A will fail. Haha.. Mr Lim has really got real thin. He's officially retired as a full-timer, though he was still kind enough to take over the part-time job to take care of the US1 before their STPM later this year. I just hope he'll be in good health, no matter how I used to 'opposed' him. Maybe it's because we had similarities in character that made us clash. And how I wish I wouldn't end up as a lecturer, no matter how promising the job will be. Let's just hope he'll have a healthy and longer life to enjoy his 'grandfather days' first, as well as other lecturers.
now. The rain hasn't stop until now. Looking out of the window, the sky is dark, and the raindrops created a soothing rhyme that tells me to rest my fingers, and putting a click on the "Publish Post" beneath this box.

What Spirituality Means to Me, And Religiousity.

of stirring my emotions. I knew what I'm going through, and I stumbled upon a blog(my friend's) which I found some meaningful answers to the questions I had in mind. So, here it goes:


God: Hello. Did you call me?
Me: Called you? No.. who is this?
God: This is GOD . I heard your prayers. So I thought I will chat.
Me: I do pray. Just makes me feel good. I am actually busy now. I am in the midst ofsomething..
God: What are you busy at? Ants are busy too.
Me: Don't know. But I cant find free time. Life has become hectic. It's rush hour all the time.
God: Sure. Activity gets you busy. But productivity gets you results. Activity consumes time.Productivity frees it.
Me: I understand. But I still cant figure it out. By the way, I was not expecting YOU to buzz me on instant messaging chat.
God: Well I wanted to resolve your fight for time,by giving you some clarity. In this net era, I wanted to reach you through the medium you are comfortable with.
Me: Tell me, why has life become complicated now?
God: Stop analyzing life. Just live it. Analysis iswhat makes it complicated.
Me: why are we then constantly unhappy?
God: Your today is the tomorrow that you worried about yesterday. You are worrying because youare analyzing. Worrying has become your habit.That's why you are not happy.
Me: But how can we not worry when there is so much uncertainty?
God: Uncertainty is inevitable, but worrying is optional.
Me: But then, there is so much pain due to uncertainty..
God: Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.
Me: If suffering is optional, why do good people always suffer?
God: Diamond cannot be polished without friction.Gold cannot be purified without fire. Good people go through trials, but don't suffer. With thatexperience their life becomes better not bitter.
Me: You mean to say such experience is useful?
God: Yes. In every terms, Experience is a hardteacher. She gives the test first and the lessons afterwards.
Me: But still, why should we go through such tests? Why can't we be free from problems?
God: Problems are Purposeful Road blocks Offering Beneficial Lessons (to) Enhance Mental Strength.Inner strength comes from struggle and endurance,not when you are free from problems.
Me: Frankly in the midst of so many problems, we don't know where we are heading..
God: If you look outside you will not know where you are heading. Look inside. Looking outside, you dream. Looking inside, you awaken. Eyes provide sight. Heart provides insight.
Me: Sometimes not succeeding fast seems to hurtmore than moving in the right direction. What should I do?
God: Success is a measure as decided by others.Satisfaction is a measure as decided by you.Knowing the road ahead is more satisfying than knowing you rode ahead. You work with the compass. Let others work with the clock.
Me: In tough times, how do you stay motivated?
God: Always look at how far you have come rather than how far you have to go. Always count your blessing, not what you are missing.
Me: What surprises you about people?
God: when they suffer they ask, "why me?" When they prosper, they never ask "Why me". Everyone wishes to have truth on their side, but few want to be on the side of the truth.
Me: Sometimes I ask, who am I, why am I here. I can't get the answer.
God: Seek not to find who you are, but todetermine who you want to be. Stop looking for a purpose as to why you are here. Create it. Life is not a process of discovery but a process of creation.
Me: How can I get the best out of life?
God: Face your past without regret. Handle your present with confidence. Prepare for the future without fear.
Me: One last question. Sometimes I feel my prayers are not answered.
God : There are no unanswered prayers. At times the answer is NO.
Me: Thank you for this wonderful chat. I am sohappy to start the New Day with a new sense of inspiration.
God: Well. Keep the faith and drop the fear. Don't believe your doubts and doubt your beliefs. Life is a mystery to solve, not a problem to resolve.Trust me. Life is wonderful if you know how to live...DON'T EXPECT A GREAT DAY, MAKE ONE"